How to Fake Cooking Skills When You’re Actually Just
Ordering Takeout
Let’s face it: cooking can be as daunting as trying to
assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions. So, if you’ve found yourself
in the takeout lane more often than not, don’t fret! You can still impress your
friends and family with your cooking skills—without ever stepping foot
in a kitchen. Here’s how to fake it till you make it while your favorite
delivery driver gets frequent flyer miles on your behalf!
Step 1: The Illusion of Meal Prep
The first rule of faking cooking skills is to create an
elaborate “meal prep” persona. When your friends ask how your Sunday went,
casually mention how you spent hours chopping, marinating, and carefully
planning a week’s worth of meals. It’s all about the vibe.
You can always set out some empty meal prep containers on
your counter, strategically placed next to a bouquet of fresh herbs. Nothing
says “I’m a culinary genius” like a tip of basil, right? Bonus points if you
throw in a dash of olive oil on your kitchen floor to give the impression of a
cooking frenzy (just be careful not to slip and fall while impressing your
guests).
Step 2: Use the Right Lingo
Ah, culinary jargon—the secret sauce to sounding like a
chef. Drop words like “sous vide” and “emulsification” into conversations as if
they’re part of your daily vocabulary. For example, “I was thinking of sous
vide-ing that salmon for dinner” (which you totally did—right after pressing
the “Order Now” button on your favorite food app).
Also, sprinkle in some references to exotic ingredients. “I
was thinking of adding some truffle oil to the pasta I made last night.” Just
remember: no one needs to know that your “pasta” was actually a takeout
container from a local Italian restaurant.
Step 3: Perfect Your Plating
Presentation is everything in the culinary world—and when it
comes to takeout, you can work some real magic. The trick is to transform that
cardboard box into a Michelin-star masterpiece. When your food arrives, whip
out your favorite plates (the fancy ones that have probably only seen the light
of day once).
Carefully plate your food like you’re auditioning for a
cooking show. Add a tip of parsley on top, and voilà! You’ve turned that
takeout into a gourmet experience. Just be prepared to tell your guests that
the “sauce” is a special blend you’ve been working on for months. Spoiler: it’s
just the extra soy sauce from the sushi place.
Step 4: Host a “Cooking Class” Night
Now that you’ve set the stage with your impressive meal prep
and plating skills, it’s time to take it up a notch: host a “cooking class” at
your place. Invite your friends over, and while they gather around your
kitchen, you can share all your “expertise” on how to cook the perfect risotto
(that you definitely didn’t just order in).
While everyone is chopping onions (for that “authentic”
feel), you can subtly slip out to grab the takeout you ordered. When you
return, act like you’ve been slaving away over the stove, and present the
glorious food as your own creation. Who needs to know that the only thing you
actually made was the awkward small talk?
Step 5: Master the Art of Distraction
If all else fails, distract your guests with cooking tips
that have absolutely nothing to do with actual cooking. Talk about how you
recently discovered the perfect way to store avocados or how to tell if an egg
is still good (a true life-skill that will earn you major brownie points). As
they nod along, you can secretly reach for that takeout menu you’ve hidden
behind the couch.
The Final Touch: Own Your Culinary Persona
Confidence is key! Once you’ve committed to this cooking
charade, embrace it. Get excited about your “signature dishes,” and don’t shy
away from inviting people over for your next culinary adventure. If you do it
right, nobody will be the wiser that your real cooking skills involve only
knowing the delivery driver’s name.
So, are you ready to elevate your takeout game and unleash
your inner “chef”? It’s time to start faking it like a pro! Share your own
takeout success stories in the comments below, or tag a friend who needs to up
their culinary deception skills. Remember, it’s not about the food on the
plate; it’s about the stories you tell and the laughs you share. Happy faking! 🍕✨